Ferragudo, Portugal

Locked Out - A One-Act Play

Copyright Christine Muldoon and Pete Iannuzzi (Written mostly by Christine, but most of the funny stuff was added by Pete.)

Draft 06/08/2024

“Live life with no excuses, travel with no regret.”

― Oscar Wilde

Characters

Enzo                     Middle-aged US vacationer - Married to Catherine

Catherine               Middle-aged US vacationer - Married to Enzo.

Otto                      Husband of Dulce and casita neighbor (played by same actor as Ryker and Bodhi)

Dulce                     Wife of Otto and casita neighbor (played by same actor as Stella)

Victoria                  Housekeeper          

Afonso                   Housekeeper’s husband

Ryker                     Tourist from US - husband of Stella (played by same actor as Otto and Bodhi)

Stella                     Tourist from US - wife of Ryker (played by same actor as Dulce)

Bodhi                     Hippy American Expatriate (played by same actor as Otto and Ryker)

Not appearing: Anja - the owner of the casita.

Time  Summer present time.                       

Setting

A rented casita in Ferragudo, Portugal. Ferragudo is a fishing village with whitewashed cottages, flowers, hillside streets, and cute boats in the Algarve region of Portugal.

The casita is one of three white-washed two-story condos.

Notes:

Act 1, Scene 1

It is a sunny early morning, and Enzo and Catherine are walking out of the front door of their rented casita in Ferragudo, Portugal. It is their first full day in Portugal.

Both are dressed in summer clothes and sandals. Enzo is carrying a closed beach umbrella.

Enzo

Do you have the keys?

Catherine

Yes, I have the one with the surfboard keychain here. I’m going to leave the single one from the lockbox in the lock on the inside, so we always know where it is. Then we can take the surfboard with us.

Enzo

I don’t think you should do that.

Catherine

It’s fine. We did it last night, and it was fine.

Enzo

No - it’s not a good idea.

Catherine

(voice raises slightly) It’s fine. I want a key in the door. I don’t like the idea of being locked in the house without the key in the door. The key can just stay here. It’s fine. I don’t think these locks are even legal in the US. It’s fine this way.

Enzo

But…

Catherine

(interrupting Enzo and getting irritated) It’s fine. We did it last night, and it was fine.

Enzo

Ok. Let’s go.

                        (Enzo closes the locked front door, and they begin to walk down the street.)

Catherine

Oh shit! I forgot my sunglasses.

Enzo

Get them.

                        (Catherine takes the keys from Enzo and goes back to the front door.)

Catherine

Oh shit! Oh no! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

Enzo

What’s the matter?

Catherine

I can’t get the door open. You try it.

                        (Catherine backs out of the doorway and Enzo steps forward.

Enzo takes the key and begins to jiggle the lock.)

Enzo

Fuck!

                        (Enzo jiggles the lock more.)

It won’t open!

Catherine

Shit!

Enzo

I don’t think it’ll open with the key on the other side.

Catherine

It worked fine last night.

Enzo

Well, it’s not working now.

Catherine

Shit!

I’ll text the woman who owns it through VRBO.

                        (Catherine pulls out her phone and composes a text. She reads it out loud.)

“Hi Anja, We were leaving this morning, but now the key on the surfboard will not open the front door.”

I don’t know if she even lives here. Everything was done with the lockbox, so she could live anywhere.

(Enzo is pushing on windows around the casita to see if any will open.)

Enzo

I don’t think you are supposed to have the key on the inside.

Catherine

(rather sheepishly) Well, why did it work okay last night?

Enzo

I don’t know, but it’s not working now.

Catherine looks at her phone again.

Catherine

Oh good. I already got a response.

                        Catherine reads the response out loud.

“Dear Catherine, perhaps you forgot to put the key away from the inside door? My husband will try to find a solution. Regards Anja”

Oh shit!

Catherine’s phone rings.

Hello. Oh, hi Anja. I’m so sorry to disturb you so early. Yes, yes, I left the key from the lockbox inside the lock. I’m sorry, but I didn't know I wasn't supposed to… but it worked fine last night.

Pause as she listens.

Ok… ok… I’m so sorry. Yes, thank you so much.

Catherine places her phone back in her purse.

She said we shouldn’t have left the key on the inside of the door. She said her housekeeper will come with a spare key.

Enzo

What good will that do?

Catherine

I don’t know.

Act I, Scene II

The front door to the casita next door opens and Dulce and Otto both peek their heads out. This is possible because of their height differentiation, with Otto being quite a bit taller than Dulce.

Dulce is a small woman in her 70’s. She is dressed in a flowing cotton dress that loosely covers her bikini. She is wearing a gold necklace with a cross necklace and a gold ring on each hand, the left hand with a large diamond and the right with a ruby.

Otto is a tall gray-haired man in his 70’s. He wears a black button-down half sleeve shirt that hugs his once muscular arms and potbelly balanced above his khaki pants. A cigarette is balanced on his lower lip.

Dulce

Is everything okay?

Catherine

Yes, thank you. We’re staying next door to you, but we locked ourselves out. I left the key in the door on the inside.

I’m Catherine and this is my husband Enzo.

Dulce

Oh no. That’s too bad. I’m Dulce and this is my husband, Otto. You shouldn’t leave the key in the door. The lock can get jammed.

Catherine

Yes, I know now, but it worked okay last night when we went to dinner.

Dulce

Come in and wait inside. You can have coffee or pastries… Otto and I come to Ferragudo every summer. It’s a wonderful place.

Catherine

Thank you for the offer, but we need to stay out here. We are waiting for Victoria, the housekeeper. Ferragudo seems beautiful so far. Do you stay in the same place every year? What brought you here.

Dulce

Ferragudo reminds me of the town I grew up in Puerto Colombia in Barranquilla. So, now that we live in Germany, whenever I get homesick, and we can get away, we come here. Otto’s family was originally from Germany, but they moved to Barranquilla a few years before he was born.

Otto

Yes, there are many Germans in Colombia. I grew up there. That’s where I learned my trade. I took over the family export business. We’ve done good in Germany, and we are thinking of expanding to Portugal.

Enzo

Huh, that's funny, what type of exports do you do from… Colombia?

Otto

Well, what do you think I export from Colombia? It’s one of our biggest exports.

Enzo

(stammers) wh… wh… what?!

Otto

Coke, of course.

(Enzo and Catherine look at each other incredulously)

Dulce

Otto - Stop - you’re going to scare our neighbors. He thinks he is so funny.

Otto

Yea, ok… It’s just that most people hear Colombia and… when I tell them I export Coke… Well, no one thinks of coke, as in the fuel. (chuckles to himself) Sorry, it never gets old.

Dulce

Yea, it does.

Otto

Coke is one of Colombia’s largest exports.

Dulce

Are you sure you don’t want to come in and wait? It’s much more comfortable inside.

Enzo

We’d love to, but we’re in enough trouble already. Thanks, maybe some other time.

Otto

Absolutely.

Catherine

Bye, nice to meet you.

Dulce

You too. Good luck.

(Dulce and Otto return to their casita and Catherine and Enzo continue to wait outside.)

Catherine

They were nice, but I know what you were thinking when you heard he was from Colombia.

Enzo

Okay. I’ll admit I made some big assumptions, but can you blame me? A transplanted German whose family moved to Colombia right around the end of World War II?

Catherine

Yes

Enzo

Yes, what?

Catherine

Yes, I can blame you.

Act I, Scene III

A newish tan Peugeot hatchback pulls up across the street. Victoria, a young woman in her 30’s gets out of the car. She is casually dressed in a tight tank top and short shorts. Victoria speaks English with a strong accent. It is not immediately clear where it is from. Is it Russian? Is it Portuguese?

Victoria

(brusquely) Hi, I’m Victoria. Did you leave the key in the door?

Catherine

Hi Victoria. Thanks for coming. I’m Catherine and this is my husband Enzo. Yes, I left the key in the door. I didn’t know we weren’t supposed to. It worked fine last night.

Victoria

(a little disgusted) I have a key here.

                        (Victoria goes to the front door and tries the lock. The door does not open.)

You can’t leave the key in the door on the inside.

Enzo

(quietly to Catherine) I don’t know why her key would work if ours doesn’t.

Catherine

I’m not sure.

                        (Victoria goes to the kitchen and then the living room windows and tries to force them open.)

Victoria

Sometimes these windows can be lifted a bit. I thought one of them was easy to break into, but I can’t get it open now.

Enzo

(quietly to Catherine) They knew the house would be easy to break into?

Catherine

Shhhhh… (aloud to Victoria) Well, I made sure all the windows were locked except for the bathroom window. I left that one open.

                        (All three slowly look up to the small bathroom window on the second floor.)

Victoria

Well, that’s not helpful, we’d need a ladder. I’m going to get my husband. I’ll be back in 15 minutes. Wait here.

                        (Victoria walks across the street and leaves in her car. Enzo and Catherine watch Victoria drive away.)

Enzo

Interesting… where do you think she was from? She sounded Eastern European… maybe Russian?

Catherine

I don’t know. I know she speaks Portuguese and pretty damn good English… We can barely squeak by with English and a little high school Spanish.

Enzo

She sounds more like Natasha from Bullwinkle.

Catherine

Nice stereotype. You’re also showing your age.

Enzo

I know my 1960’s cartoons.

Act 1, Scene IV

(There is a rumbling heard down the street. Catherine and Enzo turn to see a large BMW motorcycle pull up across the street. The rider and passenger, Ryker and Stella, are in their 50’s and wearing matching Klim motorcycle jackets, gloves, and helmets. They take off their helmets and get off the bike. Enzo makes a beeline across the street, and Catherine follows.)

Enzo

Is that one of those monster BMW’s… 1800 something? How much does that thing weigh?

Ryker

Yea, BMW K1800GT. It’s got to weigh around 800 lbs, but she's still a riot to ride… exactly like the one I have at home. We’re renting this one. We just came from Madrid. We were in Spain for a week, and just got here. I’m Ryker and this is my pillion, Stella.

Stella

Yea, hi, that’s Ryker-talk for “wife.” Thanks, Hun.

Catherine

Nice to meet you. I’m Catherine and this is Enzo. Pillion?

Stella

Yes, it’s an endearing slang. The passenger seat on a motorcycle is a pillion. So, the passenger, usually the wife or girlfriend, is called the same. (rolling her eyes) It is so sweet of him.

Enzo

You’re American, right? Where’re you from?

Ryker

Yea, we’re from Iowa. We just checked into The Luxury House Suites down there on the beach. It’s amazing, probably the closest you would get to an all-inclusive resort in Ferragudo. We just hopped on the bike and then thought this was a nice spot to do a little walk around.

Catherine

Oh, that sounds like fun. As you can see, Enzo lives for motorcycles.

Stella

Oh, so does Ryker. We are on his at home almost every weekend that we can… I mean, given that it is Iowa.

Enzo

Yeah, I sat on this one at the shop. It’s a monster! How does it ride?

Ryker

It’s an 1802 cc engine. I would say it’s fast. Even with me and my little pillion on it.

Stella

Uh, thanks again, Hun.

Ryker

Well, I’m just sayin’, I’m not a little guy. (turns to Enzo) Look, put your hand up to mine.

 (Ryker holds his hand up in the air, and Enzo places his hand palm to palm with Ryker’s hand that completely envelops Enzo’s.)

Ryker

You can just imagine what else we are lugging on this thing… you know what I mean?

(Enzo and Catherine laugh uncomfortably)

Stella

Yeah, okay, we get the picture.

Ryker

We put 30,000 miles on mine last year.

Enzo

(sarcastically) Wow. How did you manage to do that in Iowa? You must be on it hours every day! So… there’s 52 weeks in a year, so that's… a little less than 600 miles a week… in Iowa. I’m sure there are a lot of weeks you can't ride… so, let’s say, 10 months of riding, in a good year… that’s 3000 miles a month with an average of 100 miles a day. Every day.

Ryker

(oblivious to the sarcasm) Yep. So, where are you two staying?

Catherine

Well, that’s an interesting question. We’re staying at the casita across the street, but we are locked out.

Stella

Oh no, what happened!

Catherine

Well, you might notice that all the doors have that lock at the top with the keyhole, well, it’s the same inside. There is no toggle thingy - just a keyhole. As a girl, I remember my mother was always afraid of those locks, maybe it rubbed off on me.

Enzo

Her mom’s afraid of a lot of things. She’s kinda crazy.

Catherine

True, but she did raise us four horrible kids on her own. So anyways, I remember her being afraid of these locks. She was scared there would be a fire and the door would be locked and we wouldn’t be able to get to the key. So, when we had these locks, we always left the key in it. Anyways, we are waiting for the housekeeper to come back with her husband. Hopefully, he can figure something out.

Ryker

Oh, you can’t do that with these European doors. They are not made as good as ours. If you have the key on the inside, you won't be able to open it from the outside. There’re so many reasons not to leave your key in the lock, but this is definitely one of them.You might think about trying to move to the Luxury House Suites. We have a view of the ocean, a swimming pool with a bar, a fitness center, and a sauna. They treat us like royalty.

Stella

(giggles) Except for the bartender.

Ryker

Yea, that’s right. I think there is something fishy about him. He pretended he didn’t speak English when we were trying to order Bloody Marys this morning. I might have to talk to the management about him. I’m sure he knows English; he’s just trying to get out of work.

Catherine

Well, you never know… we are in Portugal. Not everyone may speak English. But… uhm… We like our private casita in the neighborhood. It has a rooftop patio, and it was only $50 a night. That is, if we can get back in.

Stella

It’s cute.

Ryker

Why don’t you two come down for a drink? I’m buying. We can have lunch poolside. We’re right by the ocean.

Enzo

Let’s see how it all goes here.

Ryker

Ok, let’s exchange phone numbers.

(Ryker and Enzo exchange phones and put their numbers on the other's phone.)

Ryker

Hey pillion, let’s get going back. All that talk about getting a drink is getting me thirsty. Give us a call when you're done here, or just stop by. It’s the Luxury House Suites. You can’t miss it.

Enzo

Sounds great! Thanks so much! It was great meeting you.

Catherine

Yes, it was great meeting you both. We’ll probably see you later today.

(Ryker and Stella put their helmets on. Ryker gets on the bike, followed by Stella. They wave goodbye.)

Catherine

We’re not really going down there after we are done with this?

Enzo

(laughing) Are you crazy?! I’m not hanging around with that fucking blowhard. I would rather have tiny needles stuck under my toenails.

Seriously dude?! 30,000 miles… bullshit! Do the math.

Catherine

I think you already did.

Enzo

… and I’m not sitting around all day hearing how wonderful and well-hung he is. Next thing you know he’ll be pulling off his fucking shoes to show us his big feet.

Catherine

(sarcastically) Awwwww… and I thought you found a new buddy.

Act I, Scene V

A shiny new black BMW pulls up across the street. Victoria gets out of the passenger seat. Afonso steps out of the driver's side. He is a tall, broad, tattooed, muscular man in his 30’s dressed in slacks and a tan button-down half sleeve shirt. Afonso speaks very little English and has the same enigmatic accent as his wife. 

Enzo

Damn, it looks like he could crack open walnuts in his hand.

Catherine

Gurrrowww! He certainly doesn’t look like Boris.

Enzo

Boris?

Catherine

You know, Natasha’s husband.

Enzo

I’d say more like the Russian mafia. You might want to wipe your chin before they come over.

                        (Catherine and Enzo are giggling as Victoria and Afonso cross the street.)

Victoria

This is my husband, Afonso.

Afonso

Hello

Enzo

Hi, I’m Enzo

Catherine

Hi, I’m Catherine.

Everyone shakes hands and Afonso moves to the casita and tries the key. When it does not open the door he begins violently pushing on the windows.

Enzo

(whispers to Catherine) I would hate to be that window.

(Afonso looks up to the one small open window on the second floor and shakes his head.)

Enzo

I’m thinking it’s time to call the locksmith.

Afonso

(muttering) Need to break the lock.

 Afonso returns to his car.

Afonso comes back with a pair of simple Vise Grips which he adjusts to the tightest possible grip on the door lock. He starts yanking the lock side to side. The door is shaking, the casita is shaking, the street is shaking, and after about a half a dozen violent moves he breaks the solid steel lock in two. He turns around triumphantly with a huge grin.

Enzo

(whispers to Catherine) I believe he may have had extensive experience breaking and entering.

Catherine

Shhhhh!

Victoria rushes into the house and grabs the half of the lock now lying on the kitchen floor. She then rushes out the door and triumphantly waves the lock and key in front of Catherine and Enzo.

Victoria

See, the key is in the lock! You can’t leave the key in the lock on the inside of the house!

Catherine

Yes, I know that now, but last night…oh, never mind.

Victoria

Afonso will go to town to get a lock and he will bring it back. You both stay here.

Catherine

Ok. Thank you both so much.

Act I, Scene VI

A faint sound of Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re an American Band” gradually gets louder and louder as Bodhi walks around the corner with his dog, Sunshine. Bodhi has long scraggly hair, a tank top, long dirty shorts and no shoes. He is carrying a boombox and holding a dog leash. Sunshine is a young scruffy terrier.

Music  (gradually getting louder and louder)

We're an American band

We're an American band

We're comin' to your town

We'll help you party it down

We're an American band

Enzo

Oh, great this should be fun. I bet we get hit up big time from this one. When he asks, tell him we don’t have any money.

Bodhi switches off the music on the boombox

Bodhi

Hey! What’s up?

Enzo 

Hey.

Catherine

Hi.

Bodhi

I’m Bodhi - this is Sunshine.

Catherine

She’s a cutie.

Bodhi

Yeah, I found her two years ago. I rescued her, but she saved my life.

Catherine

How so?

Bodhi

You know, because she’s a dog. As soon as I found her, I began to look at  life differently. I still have bad days, but I just look at her sweet goofy face and realize there are reasons for staying alive.

Catherine

You’re lucky to have her.

Bodhi

I wish I could give her a better life, but… we get by.

Anyway, what are you doing?

Catherine

I’m Catherine and this is Enzo. We’re staying here…we were locked out - I left the key in the lock on the inside, so we couldn’t get in. We had to call the woman who owns it, and she called her housekeeper, and she brought her husband who finally broke the lock. It’s been a day, and it’s not even noon yet.

Bodhi goes to the kitchen window and begins to shake it a bit.

Bodhi

Bummer. I’ve got a knife… I could have probably pried it open… Sometimes you just need to lift these windows up a bit.

Enzo

You don’t seem to be the only one that knows how to break into these places.

Bodhi

Well, hey, I only use my powers for good. Sorry I couldn’t have helped?

Enzo

No, that’s okay. We’re waiting for Afonso to return with a lock.

Bodhi reaches into his bag and pulls out a Swiss Army Knife.

Bodhi

Ya know it would have been nice to put this to real use someday.

Catherine

So at least we know who to call next time. Can I ask you a question?

Bodhi

Of course.

Catherine

Well, we saw you walking with Sunshine last night when we walked into town.

Bodhi

And you want to know how I can live like I do. It’s okay to ask, I get it a lot, by people who are a lot less nice than you two.

Catherine

No, actually. I was going to ask you how you can stand walking everywhere you go barefoot. I’ve got pretty tough feet and Enzo has little pussy feet, but I could never go from beach to town in bare feet. Enzo calls me a little hillbilly, because I am well almost always am running around without shoes, but you're a pro compared to me. That’s got to hurt.

Bodhi

That’s funny. Noone has ever asked me that. Most people probably just assume that I can’t afford shoes, but that’s not true. I can get shoes. I just prefer to go without them. I need to feel something, even if it's through the bottom of my feet. I need to feel something to remind me that I am part of this world. I am connected to something. I can feel. I am not lonely.

Enzo

Wow. It's sad that people make assumptions about you. I’m sorry Bodhi.

Bodhi smiles, waves, flips back on the boombox, and he and Sunshine wander off down the street. 

We're an American band, woo

We're an American band, woo

We're an American band, woo

Catherine

I like him… Finally, someone in Portugal that didn’t tell me that I shouldn’t have left the key in the door…

Act 1, Scene VII

                        Both Catherine and Enzo enter the casita and sit down and read to wait for Afonso to return. Lights fade out and fades back in as Afonso returns with a new lock. He installed it quickly, smiling all the time.

Afonso

Okay - everything working good again. Don’t leave the key on the inside of the door.

Catherine

I’m sorry - I didn’t know you couldn’t.

Afonso shrugs and smiles.

Enzo

Thank you again so much - this is a relief that it’s done!

Here’s something for your trouble today - we really appreciate you coming here to help.

                        Enzo hands Afonso 20 euros - Afonso accepts the money, smiles, nods and leaves.

                        .

Enzo 

I wonder how much the lock was…we should pay for it. I wonder how all that will work.

Catherine looks at her phone.

Catherine

Oh look, I got another text from Anja.

Dear Catherine, You left the key inside in the door and that's because no one can open the door anymore. When you left the key inside the door this is not possible to put the key inside on the other side in any doors.

Please pay Afonso for his time and for the new lock by placing 120 euro in the lockbox.

We are very glad that the husband of Victoria can change the door lock so quickly.

Regards, Anja.

Enzo

I guess that answers that question.